Warning: You must switch to mushy mode, this is not my usual post!
As I have announced since July I love someone right now, and that someone is not just the filial love type, it is the real thing. But then as I said also, no one else knows about it but me, oh sure, my friends know and they have noticed how “soft” I had been, my conversations with Ann for example are worth noting as I have taken a side that has veered away from my very cynical point of view when it comes to relationships. My friends have also noticed how dedicated I had become in schoolwork and tease me as being obsessive compulsive when it comes to my acads. I haven’t played my guitar in about a month however, I have written about the guy and written stuff for him too. This is one of the best ones (or so look here).
Last night I was alone again, everyone had gone to sleep. I used to love those moments because I could think aloud without feeling silly. Everything has changed, moments that I had to myself are now torturous-because of you. What frustrates me is that I am going through this roller coaster of emotions without you having the vaguest idea of what your presence is doing to me. What kills me most, is knowing I care about you but I must not act on it because revealing my feelings for you would just tears us both. I am caught in between, torn between saying what I really feel and protecting us both. If it must be said, I would choose to keep quiet and love you just as I am now, rather than coming out in the open and forever lose you.
I am writing this and I close my eyes in between sentences, imagining you in front of me, just the two of us, no bridges, no lies. I want so badly to tell you how you have made me feel alive the first time I saw you. Master at concealing my feelings, you had no inkling that at that precise moment you had my heart-and in the days to follow, you would be the consuming thought I preoccupy myself with.
I close my eyes and I see you, you are standing in front of me, with that look that I hope you just give only to me. I imagine you listening intently to everything I am saying not only with my words but also with my actions. I can see you in my mind’s eye and I can only tell you what I feel, right here, right now. Now is the perfect moment to let myself slowly unravel in front of you.
I LOVE YOU- there I said it. However, words won’t just suffice; it cannot even express the depth from which I have fallen. It is not enough to make you fully comprehend that even in my waking hours you are in my mind, invading my privacy, intruding my solitude. That my nights are filled with feverish tossing and turning, my thoughts in a whirlpool, swirling violently being sucked at the center by you. The calm quietness that is you. Your serenity perturbs me, because while you remain ignorant of me, my feelings are raging a storm in the inside, my heart breaks, over and over again.
I want to reach out my hand to you, in my dreams you grasp it and you hold me for the longest time. I want to be there every time a smile creeps across your face, in fact, I want to be the reason why you smile. I want to record your laughter(source) so that I would never forget how you get amused and delighted. I want to share in everything you believe in, fight for what you believe is worth fighting for. I want to be the one to crown you in your triumph to celebrate in your joy. I also want to be there before the next tear falls from your eyes, I want to shield your eyes when everything you have built suddenly collapses. I want to help you rebuild the dreams you have for yourself when these things happen. I want to console and comfort you in your sorrows. For when you hurt, I get hurt more, for you have become my happiness, and what breaks your heart, breaks mine too - link. I have two hearts that break…yours and mine. What brings tears to your eyes would also cloud up my vision. I am WHOLE…yet you have made me COMPLETE.
I am afraid…not because there is this possibility that I have loved in vain. Nor is it because I know you may not feel the same way. I am afraid that I would never again be able to offer myself up to you ,that my love would never be made known to you. I am a coward but if being brave means losing what little thought you could give me…I would be a coward while loving you here in the shadows.
