For the most part of my Christian life, I had been living a bad testimony to others. Instead of being the salt and light of the earth ( Matthew 5:13-16), I was treading on the not-so-fine line between living in the world and following Christ.
For many years, I have struggled with that situation. It was like leading double lives, one was the me that swore, cuss and sometimes played hooky, the other life I led was busy in the ministry at church, prayer and the occasional devotional.
I think I grieved the Holy Spirit so much way back then. I knew what I was doing was completely wrong and I honestly felt like a hypocrite, but I guess I did not want to lead “all the way” lives, I did not commit to being worldly but I also did not commit to obeying Christ. It’s as if I felt I was exempted and could pick out which aspects of these two different worlds I can acquire and practice. At that time, I tried desperately to live the Christian life, walk the walk and talk the talk, I had read books, listened to tapes, took notes every Sunday sermon and managed to have my prayer time. Instead of being His witness to my Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria and ends of the earth as Acts 1:8 says, I was yoked with unbelievers and I admit at times I was their ringleader. It saddens me now to think that when God had placed me in a lucrative position where I could reach out to others and tell them of His love I had turned the other way. I lament for the lost opportunity!
I have long repented of my betrayal and outright disobedience of God and His Word. It’s funny how I prided myself over knowing about things in the Bible and Christian doctrines ever since I was a toddler and yet it never came true in my life. God was the one who was faithful to me, fulfilling every promise He had given to those who believe in Him. My “rude” awakening came when a Singaporean evangelist visited our church - more
I was involved in a relationship where I knew God had approved of, I was wrestling with my conscience, yet I knew it was wrong . The Singaporean was asked to pray for the members of the congregation to receive a word from God. My mom nudged to have myself prayed over because of the results of a college entrance exam. I was apprehensive because I knew I was not right with God, and experience has taught me that when I was not right with God and I asked for something, He’d reveal in not so subtle ways the real reason why I was not receiving anything or having any breakthroughs. All secrets were to be out in the light, and during that time, that relationship was what I wanted most of all to be secret. I could not let go of that relationship because for my flesh it was good, somebody made me feel important/significant, and yet I knew that the distance between me and my Father was greatly increasing. I was worried that God would ask me to end the relationship, selfish I know. But I wanted to make things right with God, up til the time for the Singaporean to pray over me, I had been pondering on the situation for weeks. What God told me through the Singaporean really hit home, and I was able to prove that the evangelist was really a man of God because the Holy Spirit made him discern the real status of my spiritual life. It shook me and I became scared because I was playing with God and not in the nice way. It was devastating for me < not because part of the message concerned relationships which were ungodly> because I had allowed myself to be taken away with consent, with full knowledge of the consequences, it was like testing God, and I could not believe my insolence. I acknowledged my sin before God and repented, and then I realized that that night God struck a bargain with me –ALL or NOTHING.
All of my life, I could have rebelled, there were a dozen times I could have used the sorry excuses I’ve heard other people use, but I never ran wild or rebelled, I thought I was too smart to do those things. In my late teens, I came to the conclusion that it was not because I was smart enough, it was because the Word of God that was planted in my heart when I was still a baby had taken root and bore fruit in my heart that when I accepted Christ when I was 13, God had protected me all the way until that age when I readily chose Him to be my Lord and Savior.
The things that my Mom and Dad did for us when we were kids, their prayers for us and the spiritual training we received were all in preparation for the time when we could fully make the decision on our own - useful site
He had protected me because He loved me and I still quiver in awe at that fact. He saved me from everything that could possibly destroy me. He kept me under the shadow of His wings (Psalm 17:8). He has always been faithful, He is not like man that He should lie and I could always take refuge in His promises (Hebrews 6:18).
Slowly, I tried to renew my ways. But I always fell short, I felt incapable, powerless and tired I had hunger for God that grew each day but I struggled with obeying . Recently, I came along this verse, I had read it so many times but it’s only now that I’ve realized what it means in my life:
God had planned for us to do good things and to live as He always wanted us to live. That’s why He sent Christ to make us what we are. Ephesians 2:10 (CEV)
I was trying to do it in my own power! That’s why I felt powerless; I tried to work my ay through obedience. I did not have faith that I could do it. But here in Ephesians, it clearly states that God had planned that I would do good works and I would do that through Christ! When I accepted Jesus, I was equipped by God to do good works, I don’t need to struggle! It lifted this heavy burden that I was carrying. And yes, there are days when I slip and say, “Whoops, shouldn’t have done that, and the devil taunts me and reminds me of the times I slip and regressed back into the worldly state, but then the Bible says that if I confess my sins He is faithful and just to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). Besides, “There is therefore now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
